I was born when the stars began to fall. My head is full of them and my heart is full, too. I try my best to avoid writing about love as it tends to trickle down with cliches, but I think it’s time. It’s time to shed this life like a snakeskin and strip what’s left of my spirit whole. The truth is that I’m just too tiny for a heart this big. The more I suffer, the more I love. I tried giving the ocean direction, organizing freedom – oh, the possibility of fixed stars. I wanted to live forever but not like this. Oh, to become immortal, and then to die. There comes a point when you find someone whom you love so deeply that you don’t expect it in return. It may eat away at you, but it’s worth it, because you love them enough to make a whole desert bloom, and that’s just a humble reminder that you are human. I’m at war with myself. There are things inside that scream and shout without a care, and the only thing I’ve learned is that the capacity of human suffering is immeasurable. I harbour no anger or resentment, yet feel like the boiling moon ready to pour out of the sky. This flame that I am guarding, it will never go out and what’s inside me will never die. I promised myself that I would gleam from this wreckage. I will slowly fold you up and keep you in my dreams until every sky over every world goes dark. But for now I have no anchor left – someday I’ll sink into the ground like a comet into the Earth. My sense of justice flickers as I tumble in search of a pinch of hope, but I have no candle as the daylight fades.
I’ve already surrendered and spent years under this spell, knowing only this truth. One simple idea holds a heavy conscience that does not belong to me alone. One broken pedestal holds all of the damned dreams in a single feeble human mind, on an eternal scale, tilting in the favor of rest. All I’ve wanted, all I’ve saved. I wanted to live in a wooden cabin on top of a forested mountain, near a huge lake. I wanted to be cozy all the time and only eat vegetables and never brush my hair. To bathe in the stream and sing, sing, sing so much that even the stars heard me. All with a man who has too much love in his body, and makes fires and tickles my back. With whom I could create the most beautiful things, so that we would feel so close together, as if our souls were intertwined and we were made out of the same atoms. That even our hearts were beating the same same song, dancing to the same rhythm, fusing into one organism – a single life form.
I never wanted a negative thought in my mind and I wanted to know that everything was going to be okay. I wanted to grow old and die there and be buried under a seed which would grow, grow, grow into a tree. And I would become the leaves that fell in August, and I would float down the stream until someone picked me up and placed little nuts inside my curved body. That would set me on my way, like a little boat, further and further. There would be only the noise of the water pressing past the rocks and the wind rustling up all things in the daytime, and at night there would be crickets that talked and I could be in everything, undisturbed.
But now the stars are falling again, and they look good on you. I drew you maps to my body and showed you what I’m like underneath my skin. You have the floorplans to my mind, so you know what makes me cry and why I sometimes disappear momentarily. You molded me in your hands, like wax, whenever we would braid our legs together to fall asleep. We are each other’s creations. The seed can’t grow without the soil, just how I can’t grow without you. If only I knew what I know today, then I wouldn’t be where I was yesterday. The inconvenient part about falling in love is that when two spirits fuse, sometimes parts of yours melt away. You get tangled up within each other’s heartstrings and make homes in each other’s minds, so never do you part. A bond, a love so immortal that it needs no apologies and skips straight to forgiveness.
Days and nights roll over each other in the still ocean that has always been the same, as I strive to be as patient as a girl in a fairytale. This may be the end, but I’m not done. My heart caves in, and when I turn around I want to see you there, because when I close my eyes I’m with you.
The death of one star only leads to the birth of a million more, but who said anything about death?