The Juvenilia » The Western Sass Canon

The Western Sass Canon

by Julia on August 2, 2012: Editorials

If you’ve ever been in an English class and actually done the reading, it should come as no surprise to you that most works of classic literature can be summarized in a few lines of dialogue. And if you haven’t…then you probably need these to prepare for that test on the book you were supposed to read this summer.

Crime and Punishment

Raskolnikov: Should I rob an old lady? Guys? Having a crisis here? Yeah I’m really feeling this I’m gonna go for it

Razumikhin: Dude your sister is kind of hot

Raskolnikov: UGH if I hadn’t already killed an old lady that would make me want to

Petrovich: I know you killed that old lady okay

Raskolnikov: Yeah I did, PSYCH no I didn’t, or did I?????????

Petrovich: I know you killed that old lady okay

Raskolnikov: What? Wasn’t I just talking to you?

Petrovich: LOL no, you must have been talking to the other Petrovich but not me the other one who works for me it’s not confusing

Raskolnikov: Uh okay well I didn’t kill anyone

Petrovich: Dude your sister is kind of hot

Raskolnikov: Excuse me?

Petrovich: Oh sorry you might be confused but I’m not either of the cops who’s out to get you, I’m just this asshole who wants to marry your sister who’s also named Petrovich

Raskolnikov: OKAY FINE I KILLED THAT BITCH ARE YOU HAPPY? Just send me to Siberia omg

Sonya: IT’S SOCIETY’S FAULT

Raskolnikov: Yeah let’s go with that

The Great Gatsby

Nick: So there’s this guy named Gatsby…I’m not obsessed or anything I just think he’s a cool guy.

Gatsby: I throw parties to hide my inner pain.

That one scene in the elevator: You guys this does not represent thinly-veiled homoeroticism. Elevators have shafts, okay? It’s not a metaphor.

Literary Hipsters: BEST BOOK EVER

Literary Hipsters, later: Yeah I used to like that book before it was popular.

Literary Hipsters, even later: Okay but actually this is the best book ever I don’t even care how many people love it

The Iliad

Homer: Okay I know you already know all the Greek myths but I’m not going to make this easy for you so don’t think you’ll be able to understand anything just because you already know all the plot and characters.

Anna Karenina

Levin: Dolly, I love you.

Levin: Natalie, I know Dolly is your older sister, but she married someone else and I actually love you.

Levin: Kitty, I know Dolly and Natalie are your older sisters, but they both married someone else and I actually love you. And also let’s get married.

Kitty: Sorry no. Vronsky, I love you let’s get married.

Vronsky: BITCH YOU CAN’T TIE ME DOWN! THERE’S A NEW GIRL IN TOWN HER NAME IS ANNA AND I MUST WIN HER LOVE.

Kitty: Worst sister-in-law ever!

Anna: But I –

Everyone in the entire world: WORST SISTER-IN-LAW EVER!!

Anna: You guys Vronsky initiated this whole thing.

Kitty: Hey Levin so you know before how I rejected you? I changed my mind because it doesn’t look like anything better is coming my way.

Levin: Shockingly, our relationship will prove to be the most stable in the entire book.

Invisible Man

Invisible Man: I AM INVISIBLE…

Readers: Okay cool.

Invisible Man: …METAPHORICALLY. GET IT BECAUSE OF RACISM?

Readers: Oh this isn’t the H.G. Wells novel? Never mind.

All images are stills from movies based on said novels, not ours.

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